A few days ago I was picked up walking down the road by a nice older couple, who said their grandson and his girlfriend were looking for people my age to hang out with. That the girlfriend worked on her computer and needed a co-working buddy.
Obviously, I was thrilled.
Until she added 'they're visiting before they start college in a few weeks.'
Yes, dear ones, my new friends in question are 18 years old. Why is it that everyone around me is 18 or 80? The worse part still is I lied to her and told her I was 25 because being a whole 10 years older than her made it feel impossible that she would want to still hang out with me.
Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?
Today in their AMAZING house — which is more like a glorified treehouse, perched at the tops of the jungle— I sat, in their warm comfy home, on their blazing fast internet, while a nice older man made tea and I felt so alone. More so than any other point so far.
I hadn't really realized the gravity of this WHOLE thing until then. Cute, sweet Luana (my new friend) has this family to look out for her. She has this home that is warm and it has all of it's walls. She has water that comes from a faucet (I haven't figured out where to fill my water jugs yet, clearly it's hanging over my head...)
And it HIT me — everything I signed up for in doing this, all of it, is going to be a struggle, and the reality of that feels so daunting.
What a silly thing for me to do!
It's ALSO funny, that the most challenging thing my subconscious mind could think of to lead me to is an island in the middle of the Pacific that has no access to anything and rains all the time. I don't know what it says about me...
**Seriously though, if you look at a weather map over all the islands of Hawaii, it is only raining over my neighborhood, and it will continue to do so indefinitely.**
I know this post is me little feeling sorry for myself, but in the 'Phases of self-discovery,' I think this is one of the phases.
What am I doing here? I think if I knew, then the struggle would be worth it, but I'm not even sure what outcome I'm looking for is and that bugs me. It makes me feel like all of this is just struggle for the sake of struggle, which seems silly.
On happier notes:
1 — I've found some mosquito netting which has made for a new, fun hobby of laying protected from an army of mosquitos out to get me and really feeling like the superior species.
2 — In a previous post I mentioned that there were very loud birds at night. Well, it's recently come to my attention that those, of course, are geckos. Incredibly LOUD frogs that chirp and squeek and click to each other once the sun goes down. Last night one member in the family of frogs who lives in my cabin chirped so loudly next to my ear he woke me up. I took that as payback for almost stepping on him earlier that day. Fair is fair.