After the high that was Friday, it only goes that Saturday and today would feel substantially lower.
The gray rainy skies really took hold of me this weekend as I saw picture after picture of warm, blue Summertime-Portland, or even Kona where my new friend Luanna spent this weekend.
I, AGAIN, found myself wondering "what am I doing here...?"
To which my internal voice would answer, "learning, seeing, being"
To which I would ask, "ok, ya, but HERE, what am I doing HERE?"
And that question is still up in the air. Do I need to be in Pahoa where it's gray all the time? Could I go to another part of the island, another country and spend some time in the sunshine? Clearly, there has to be some reason I'm currently right where I'm at...right?
In my utter unease at the gray, gray skies, I hopped into my car and started driving towards the blue in the distance. I drove, and drove, and drove until I hit a tiny winding road, almost like a rollercoaster at a kid park. Bounding and weaving through jungle trees, blue skies above, blue ocean beside me, warm breeze through my windows, and slowly sanity returned.
I felt the last two days of anxiety and restlessness sitting heavy in my chest. So, I pulled over and sat watching the waves crash on the rocks below.
I realized — Having this car gives me a pressure to find the things around me that will make me happy, but if I stall out because it's too far away, or too expensive, or I don't know what I'll do once I get there, then I get caught a circle feeling bad. Feeling unsure of how to spend my time, feeling unease.
"But happiness (as we all know) doesn't come from without but from within," says the wise, hermit version of myself. So it starts to beg the question, "why is it my default to feel 'meh' about the decisions I make?"
Why do I struggle to feel satisfied with the outcomes of my choices?
When you get down to it, I've made the most out of a few rainy days over this weekend.
I've spent a good bit of it in the sunshine, I read my book at a cafe for hours in the warm sun in Hilo (while it down poured over here.)
I found the ocean. I sat on that rock and realized for the first time how much the waves crashing below look like fireworks. And now my hair is sticky and smells of sea salt.
I cleaned my cabin from top-to-bottom. I created a place for everything, hung hooks, blocked off a rat entrance point, beat out my rugs, the works.
I went to a new yoga studio and made a commitment to return 4 more times by buying a 5-punch pass.
I explored. I got to see a new area, I went to a kombucha bar and read some more, I talked to nice people on the side of the road, and in all things, I did my best.
This is all part of an ongoing lesson here, of battling thoughts that aren't serving me, of needing someone else to make choices for me, of learning how to hear what I want to do and embracing it. Of allowing what ever happens TO BE, and not holding what I've done up to anyone else's standard.
Things I'm looking forward to this week:
- Yoga tomorrow at the studio down the street from my house at 8:15, maybe I'll meet some new people:)
- I'm going to switch my car out (already!? I know...) but this new one will be better, so another trip to Hilo.
- I'm going to go to a Saturday market like event with Luanna and her boyfriend on Wednesday (hopefully,) which will also be fun because he and I haven't met yet.